For fear of stating the obvious…I’ll avoid the big “our experiences shape us into better people” speech. Instead I’ll talk about the opposite of that.

I’m 37 years old, and when I look back at the person I was 10 years ago, or even 10 months ago, I’m happy to say that I am not the same person anymore. Most people read this and think, “that’s normal, everyone matures/grows with time”. The thing is, yes, we do, but that’s attributed to the notion that all change is positive.

The thing no one talks about nearly often enough is how the life events we experience , how the time we live can chip away at us, little by little. Even through the growth we do. Time is how we lose our innocence, our inclination to play, to laugh, dance, to live.

Most people forget what it felt like to be innocent and happy before we experienced life uncensored and at full speed, for most, probably sooner than we should have. It takes a different level of healing and self awareness to recall even a small fragment of who we used to be before life happened to us.

I’m an active duty service member, I’ve been serving for 16 years, and being a woman serving is about as difficult as you can imagine it. I experienced horrendous things but one of the most baffling things I witnessed while serving was when women treated me with even more disdain than the men. They were awful, harsh and intentionally cruel at times. I never understood it, until one day I asked myself how many pieces of themselves have these women compromised just to be standing here? Sure it’s a choice, in retrospect everything seems simpler. But for those women, when they walked those very long and difficult miles paving the way for others like myself, the choice wasn’t so obvious, and they compromised, they gave up their softness, their kindness, their dignity in some cases, and instead continue to keep walking and moving forward.

Let’s not overlook these journeys, not everyone comes out shiny and bright on this side after the things that shaped us have their way with us. Not everyone comes out better, or wiser or stronger. For those that do, great, but remember, life never had to be that difficult, life didn’t have to bear you down so you could learn to stand back up, so acknowledge the hurt. It’s just as important, otherwise we are doomed to repeat it, to allow it. Yes, life experiences shape us, but sometimes they turn us into ugly things, hurt things, sad things.